The secret diary of Headmaster Alexander Ferguson - Part 1

Written Offside has discovered the secret diary of Alexander Ferguson, the headmaster of Trafford school in Manchester and are delighted to publish some exclusive extracts.


Headmaster's report - Alexander Ferguson
I joined the school 25 years ago as headmaster having been very successful in my previous one in Aberdeen. I took over from Mr Atkinson who had allowed indiscipline to become a problem by turning a blind eye to the over consumption of milk after school had closed for the day. Unfortunately, I had to expel talented pupils such as Whiteside and McGrath to help get a grip on the situation. Ringleader and head boy Robson was allowed to remain at the school due to his amazing ability on the playground and in every challenge he faced.

Early on in my time at the school, performance by my pupils was poor and we were very low in the league tables produced at the time. The parents were constantly on my back asking me to leave and even our head of governors Mr Edwards was starting to lose faith. One man who never lost faith in me was school president Lord Busby whose door was always open when I needed him even if I had to fight my way through the cigar smoke to find his office at times! He loved to tell me stories of the days when he was headmaster and how he rebuilt the school, with the help of his deputy head Mr Murphy.

Lord Busby was a huge advocate of having plenty of youth in school and I have taken on this advice in my time as headmaster. I have high hopes for our latest intake of youngsters this summer with Morrison, Pogba and Tunnicliffe particularly excelling. Morrison, however, must work on his discipline and spend less time in detention in order to flourish.

"Which one of you has put glue on this ball?"

My one regret of the summer is not being able to persuade a small Dutch boy to join our school. Our bursar Mr Gill worked tirelessly on trying to persuade him of the merits of Manchester but talks came to nothing. I reminded Mr Gill that there was no value in such a pursuit and that I had the Irish lad Gibson to adequately take his place.

Financially, the school continues to thrive. We have recently announced a deal with Deansgate Haulage Limited for them to sponsor our P.E. kits for the next four years and we have managed to keep ticket prices to our events at the same levels as last year. We will be continuing our policy of forcing parents to purchase tickets for all events whether they want to come to them or not. Our chairman of the board, Mr Glazer has nothing but good things to say about the healthy monetary position we are in although he does not like to disclose much in the way of detail. I hope his recent visit to Singapore was fruitful. Plans to sell off our playground have been dismissed due to widespread parent opposition but our sports field may not escape.

Fergie "30 grand for that barnet? Ach, there is no value in that"

The dislike of our current board of governors by parents is deeply unfair in my eyes. They have never refused me any money when I needed it and have let me run the school in the way I see fit. Last year's demonstration when green and gold scarves were worn in protest only served to confuse them as they wondered why parents came to events wearing the colours of a rival school in Norwich.




Here is my report on some of the talented pupils we have at the school:


David De Gea

• David struggles in English class and currently refuses to read any newspapers.
• He went to his locker recently and inside were a giant pair of gloves with the inscription "Best of luck, Love Edwin" on them. We are still to get to the bottom of this conundrum.
• David has been spending a great deal of time in the gym recently after being blown over by a freak gust of wind on the playground.

Ryan Giggs

• One of the oldest boys in the school but this could be his final year before he moves on to pastures new. 
• Near exemplary behaviour from Ryan over the years but he seems to have been led astray recently. 
• Last year was found riding a bike that wasn't his and was later found to be riding a bike that belonged to his brother Rhodri. We do not tolerate such behaviour in our school. 
• Spent much of the last few months of last year answering to the name Mr X in the playground and wearing a black band across his eyes to protect his identity. Strange behaviour indeed. 
• I still have a soft spot for Ryan after looking after him over the last 20 years although in the early days, a beastly boy named Sharpe tried to lead him astray but I soon put a stop to their wild parties and dispatched him off to a bad boys school in Leeds.

Rio Ferdinand

• In detention for trying to sell t-shirts on school property
• Was suspended from school a few years ago for forgetting to have his BCG injection
• Excels in music and film club
• Always playing practical jokes on his class mates

Nemanja Vidic

• Joined the school from a Ukrainian comprehensive a few years ago after being brought up on the mean streets of Serbia.
• My current head boy but only because I am too scared to take it away from him.
• Regularly in trouble with the playground monitors (Messers Atkinson, Dowd and Webb)
• A few years ago used to have recurrent nightmares about a Spanish boy/girl from a local down-trodden school but in recent years has got the better of him/her and during their last encounter was seen laughing hysterically at their ineptitude.

Michael Carrick

• Strange boy who is often found walking sideways around the playground sticking pins in a voodoo doll of Mr Capello
• Feels massively undervalued outside of school.

Tony Valencia

• Has not been seen in English class for the last four years.
• A huge fan of a DJ called Sash and can often be found singing one of his famous tunes as he makes his way across the playground - I have no idea why!

Luis Nani

• Luis is top of the class in Drama where I am told he throws himself wholeheartedly into each production he takes part in. 
• He appears to have learnt his acting skills from a former pupil who has since left us for a Spanish school and Luis has finally escaped from under his shadow.
• Last term he fell foul of local bully Carragher who split his leg open after an assault on the playground.
• Playground monitor Mr Dowd failed to put Carragher into detention and little Luis would not stop crying.
• Does not enjoy Chemistry with fellow pupils Berbatov and Rooney.

Luis Oliver Anderson

• Spends far too much time in the tuck shop and tries every excuse to get out of P.E class.
• Finds it amusing pulling faces at other boys
• Did very well in a test against a Spanish boy from one of our London rival schools in his first year
• Poor marks in Geography - struggles to find his own class mates at times

Wayne Rooney

• In his early years at the school, he played an active part in our "care in the community" initiative and was often seen helping out in the old folks home
• Wayne has had a troubled time over the last couple of years.
• He paid a girl and her friend to play kiss chase with him which made plenty of headlines in the school newspaper.
• A trip away to South Africa under the care of Mr Capello in 2010 did not go well as Wayne and his classmates did not perform to their ability. However, he did begin a love affair with video cameras while there and built on this during a recent trip to Upton Park.
• Wayne came back to school last season but seemed in a  permanently angry state and at one point asked to leave the school for our much lower quality neighbours across the city. 
• As headmaster, I made one final plea to the boy and promised to give him some extra rewards if he stayed. 
• Wayne even spoke on the phone to our school's board of governors in America who took time out from counting their money to promise young Wayne that lots of new, talented boys would be joining the school very soon.
• Wayne decided to stay but still behaved very badly until one day last February when he scored a wonderful goal off his shin in the playground against our fierce city rivals and has not looked back since.
• We are very pleased to see that Wayne's outbreak of alopecia has subsided and that he now sports a fine head of hair after having treatment in the summer.

Dimitar Berbatov

• Dimitar is a wonderful artist but does have a tendency to be sullen and moody with his class mates.
• My deputy, Mr Phelan reports that he is often very difficult to raise from his bed in the morning.
• Has an irrational fear of the big stadium in London due to some bad experiences. When we were there back in May, he even refused to leave the changing rooms.

Ashley Young

• Has been excellent in Photography class, not shy of the camera and has also starred in a few of his own productions.

Michael Owen

• Told the careers master that he would like to be a jockey when he grows up, not sure he will be tall enough though.

Owen Hargreaves

• This boy has been a mystery to us as he has mostly played truant from the school for the past two years.
• He was spotted playing in the playground for five minutes last year but quickly disappeared and has not been seen since.

Bébé

• This young Portuguese lad was spotted sleeping rough on the streets of Guimarães and with no one else interested in taking him on, Mr Gill and I recognised a gem when we see one so we brought him to our school. 
• We also added a substantial fee to his host town's coffers but Mr Gill says he can definitely spot the value with this lad.
• Our first task with him was to send him to the vet to be sheared and dipped for lice. We have subsequently wondered if this was a sensible course of action as his performances at school have been erratic ever since.
• We hope his rehabilitation in a Turkish school will aid his development but things are not looking promising.

In my next instalment, I will tell you about my recent visit to the headmasters conference where I encountered the likes of Mr Redknapp, Wenger and Dalglish.

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